Dying People Pink and Green

I finally have an answer to my question; "So what do we do?" that I had posed in my entry Outfits, Eggs, and Expectations. Well, I know the answer to the one sub-question regarding changing the egg (my extended metaphor for - taking someone and trying to change them)....

When you dye an egg pink for example can you then dye it green? Ok, yes, you can definitely dunk the same egg in a bowl of green dye, but the egg won't be JUST green. There will still be hints of pink and the green shade on the egg won't be the same as the pretty green that it was supposed to be.

If you find someone who is one way do you really think you can change them?
They most likely WILL change, but their motive for changing will not be to self improve. You will become their motive; their reason to change, not God, not "to become a better person". Why is that so bad? Well, the result would be an individual fashioned to your liking; someone who can only identify themselves with you (a multicolored egg, a mesh of you and them). God is the one they should be identifying with! He's the maker, transformer, creator. It's His job. We aren't supposed to change people. We are supposed to point to the one who can. Only He can take that egg, make it white and recolor it.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:The old has gone, the new is here!" 2 Corinthians 5:7

Trying to change the egg isn't an option.

Tattoo "Secure" On Me

It's so easy to determine when someone has self esteem issues. There's a pattern of behavior followed in order to make up for that feeling of insecurity. I've noticed that it's hard to detect a lack of self esteem in one's self. The other night I was TV surfing and stopped at this program. I watched as a starving female artist, with red hair and thick black rimmed glasses, sat in front of a desk was a tattooed, bald head muscular guy ("King of Art?"). He was talking about how he sees great potential in her work. And how she should pursue this one specific style of art. She started to cry and weep. She couldn't believe that she had his "blessing" to continue in her artistry. I watched this and thought, "Wow, she struggles with low self esteem..."

I quickly, in that moment, examined myself. I pin pointed a time, not too long ago, when I did something very similar; allowing the words of someone else determine how confident I felt. Out loud I said, "I just had a revelation." I can't base whether or not I'm satisfied with myself by waiting for someone to come along and compliment or approve of me. I need to be secure in myself by myself. 

Thank you Starving Redheaded Artist for helping me realize (give yourself more credit!). 

Running Up Escalators

Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof. Matthew 6:34

When I was younger I remember running up the escalators at the JCPenny store and trying to reach the top before anyone else. Of course, I'd always win because no normal person would dart up a stairwell that automatically ascends to the higher level (except the very hyper Ceci). There I'd stand panting for breath with my hair displaced as a result of my sudden sprint with eyes wide (sweet victory). As the shopping trip carried on and everyone enjoyed themselves, I would be the first to get tired... my energies were prematurely exerted at the entrance. I'd turn cranky and ask myself why I felt like I had HAD to run up the metal moving stairs. Silly girl.

I've noticed this pattern in my life- trying too hard too early. I sometimes wear myself out when I should be relaxing; hassle over a situation when it really isn't something to stress over, or jump into meaningful relationship before its God's time. In the beginning the sense  of control, independent and responsibility seem to be there, but before long, I feel the way I'd feel at the end of a shopping trip. Tired and regretful. Honestly, I enjoy being first (in life, love, success and all things "grown-up") but I'm learning now that it's better to take a normal pace (let Life be an escalator) so that I'll still have it together at the end. 

Returning To The Mission Field

If it was possible I would combine my two kinds of enjoyment together, stateside and overseas, and have a perfect sense of "enjoyment".

It's been a few weeks since I've left Haiti. I've had many a-hot showers and lots of electricity. I've walked to the store to buy a milkshake and munched on some gooey, cheesy pizza. I've enjoyed my time here!

It's a different kind of enjoyment though.

It's not the same kind of joy that one gets when they wake up every morning at 5 to bath the orphanage kids to get them to school. It can't be compared to the fun one has when all the kids are in bed and you sit around the table with the Haitian staff and sing hymns. It's not the same.

It's not hard to smile when you have a platter full of great restaurant food sitting in front of you or when you spend time with your friend you haven't seen in so many months. In fact, I've had a lot of laughs and smiles theses past few weeks. I've found that I do indeed like it here in the US!  So what do I do? With two happinesses (not a real word) to seek?

I enjoy my life here with all its wonders and joys, and work hard to, one day, visit that other "enjoyment" in my future.

Am I a Fungi?

This morning, when I was taking a walk I saw mushrooms growing out of a tree. I looked at them and tried to think of a deep, profound metaphor for the fungi-growing-out-of-the-foot-of-the-tree image before me. Nothing came up.

So that was this morning....

The entire day passed by. Then....

BANG! It hit me.

Am I a mushroom? Or am I a tree? 

Am I a fungi stuck on someone else preventing them from being all they can be; taking the life that they should have, keeping them from growing the way they were meant? Or am I a beautiful piece of greenery striving on it's own to be strong and to eventually provide fruit?

Frozen Fingers Make Good Writers

What's cold, smiles and fills out a ton of applications?

A young "ex-pat" who has recently re-entered her country and is looking for a job.

She learned a few lessons today:

One of the applications filled today.

- It's the year 2012 and 89% of all applications should be done online. (I found this out after walking 25 minutes, in the cold, to the shopping center at which I was planning on applying, at least I got in some exercise). 


- I need to be over 18 to work at a warehouse. (I guess putting teens and saws in the same building is dangerous??) 


- After just one day of job hunting. I found some promising places. (Thus, I'm not understanding the whole "I can't get a job" thing that I've heard some say.) 

It's a matter of determination and self motivation. I'm not an expert in job hunting or anything, but it's easy to find an excuse for something that just takes some effort to get done. If you go our there, in the ice, with a grin on your face and fill out some papers you may end up with some money in your pocket later on.

Mannequins Make Great Models

It must be lovely to be a mannequin; to be perfect in every way and to never have to struggle with emotions.

Sometimes it's typical to think that missionaries have this "all together", "picture perfect", "I'm-working-for-God", "queue the angelic music" kind of life.

Contrary to popular belief, we experience;
doubt,
fear,
loneliness
and anger.

There are times, when we feel so alone, the lizard on the wall seems to be our only companion. We look at the little creature, and in all of our loneliness, we talk to it (don't worry, this doesn't happen a lot). We get pissed to the point where we yell at the coconuts hanging on the tree for not falling (or falling). We get tired of having to communicate in a language other than our own. We look at the fellow to which we are trying to explain something and start to blab in English (yeah, it's kind of awkward).

We have days when we ask ourselves why are we in a third world country - where showers are cold and bathrooms are scarce. Why are we in a country whose currency can be counted in two ways (gourdes and Haitian dollars) and the electricity is never consistent; in a place where everything takes two times longer and is usually done backwards. We ask ourselves these questions and sometimes feel a tad bit clueless and somewhat confused. These feelings and emotions aren't something that disappear as one mounts on a plane to enter the mission field, in search for the will of God. We have no halo, we carry no wings.

We are humans (in a foreign country), trying to conquer the mass of arrows and darts life throws at us. We are humans who have experienced the Grace of God on our lives. This Grace, so intense, so pure, so precious that we can't help but share it with others. And we seek to spread it. This is why we do what we do. Far from perfection and still learning to deal with our vast array of emotions we look to hold the orphan, shelter the parent-less and teach those who would otherwise never get an education.We give of the Grace that was so freely offered to us.

Oh! To be a perfect little mannequin would indeed be ideal, but then I would never have the ability to receive this wonderful Grace and participate in his perfect purpose.