Eat Music Notes For Breakfast and You'll Look Slimmer

I've realized that what I wanted, is not, what I wanted....

In early February I signed up for this computer program that would allow me access to unlimited music from tons of different genres for one flat price on a monthly basis. I thought it was such a great investment; so much music for one monthly price. How could I say no?! I have a huge passion for music. I should take advantage of having the world of song at my fingertips. (Yes, I am a sucker for those quirky little deals). Today, being the first of the month and the day the automatic credit card payment was to go though to the music company, I received an email saying my account has been renewed.  I realized something. I have spent enough money on music to buy a good amount of groceries. My priorities are a little off. Music is definitely my life's rhythm, but there are times when one has to ask themselves, "what's really important at this point?" And act on it. So I'm cancelling by subscription to this library of music. 

The reason for this blog entry isn't to tell the world about how I regret using my grocery money on music. There's something a little deeper. I'm talking about misplaced priorities. I made a swift decision that should be reconsidered. A lot of times we think that something is what we want only to find out that it really wasn't what we wanted for ourselves. It could be that unlimited music library that takes away from your food budget, or that chocolate cake after you've already ate an entire meal, or that person you know isn't the one God has for you but you go for it anyway, or that friend you associate yourself with who isn't the best influence, or allowing yourself to get into a conversation that isn't really appropriate. It's easy to loose sight of priorities. Thankfully there are things such as "unsubscribe" buttons that give us the chance to redeem ourselves. 

Hello Life, You Seem A Little Difficult

A picture I took while walking and thinking.

I've had a monstrous amount of things on my mind lately:

money, college, job, work, skills, school, grades, moving, car insurance, friends......
decisions, morals, values, drinking, smoking, art, voting.....
being an adult, driving, car, tuition, application, relationships, love, independence, boys, plans.....
God, destiny, callings, praying, volunteering, missions, laundry, responsibilities, style, modesty, standards....
fun, entertainment, Facebook, social life, church, and eating.....

Dealing with the combination of all these thoughts has become overwhelming at times (This is why I haven't blogged in a while). Sometimes I am so concerned about everything I start to tear up. I want to have control of everything; yet, at the same time, I don't want to have the responsibility of controlling anything. (These are truly the times I should reach for God.)

I see teens my age goofing off when it comes to school, watching television for hours at a time without a care in the world and doing whatever, whenever; carefree.  I should be proud to say I have a better perspective; a deeper revelation about life, but, in all honestly, I just feel old. There are days I feel OLD. When did all these concerns creep up on me?! Man, they are sneaky. And frustrating. And...(Let's give it to God).

My dad calls it "being mature".

Yet, when you see a group of kids sitting on the side of the road while you're on your way home from a night's work you don't really say, "Hm, they are just immature young people who haven't gotten a grip on responsibility yet." You think, "I must be getting older." proceeded by a bummed look on your face.

BUT, the concerns, struggles and all those things that have me feeling old now, will make me wiser! So for now, I need to keep saying, "Hello Life, you look difficult, but you will also make me wise."

Double Lives Means Double Meals

As teens we want to be able to make our own decisions (no matter how destructive), live our own lives (without limits), to choose words (no matter how profane). If we feel restricted or stifled by someone, we defy. Some of us rebel in a way that can be seen. We’re told to do one thing and we intentionally do it the opposite way. Others, are more subtle in their defiance. We form another life. Secret and unseen. Within it we are who we want to be, without another’s influence on us.

As I think about my past I ponder:

There’s a problem, though, with this second life. It has no rules, limits or boundaries. When living a life without the protection of wisdom and reason self destruction is inevitable. Yep, it may seem like freedom now, but in the long run the things I did: broke the trust, rose the guilt and took me far from God.

Before I knew it, I didn’t know who “Cecilia” was. Was she the “good girl” who listened to the latest Christian music releases? Or was she that girl who secretly did things that would keep her from sleeping at night? Nope. She was both. I was burdened with living two lives. Two very real lives but two very real lies.

Long story short, this is what I did:

But have renounced the hidden things of dishonesty, not walking in craftiness, nor handling the word of God deceitfully; but by manifestation of the truth commending ourselves to every man’s conscience in the sight of God. 2 Corinthians 4:2

I renounced it and thanked God for his redeeming power along with super supportive parents. My life isn’t perfect nowadays. I have my mistakes, my bad decisions, but I live one life now.  And if I pursue something that might introduce “another” life, I get back in check.  Because really, who wants to eat 6 meals a day...double meals?

"Show Your Heart"

In Haiti, whenever there was a communication problem or a misunderstanding between two of the children I would tell them this:

"You see that person? That person, there, can't see what's in your heart."

And they'd look at me with a blank look on their face. Like the awesome mediator that I am, I'd continue.

"YOU need to take out your heart and shove it in their face! Show them how you feel. Because this problem is because you guys aren't looking at hearts." 

Eyes would begin to roll.  And arms would cross.

I guess heart show-and-tell isn't the most exciting thing????

"Show your heart." I'd repeat, again and again. 

Slowly one would open up with the concerns from their young little heart. Before long tears would fall and hugs were exchanged. It's beautiful to see a mutual understanding of a situation!

When blogging, because its virtually impossible for me to explain everything, I sometimes feel like I can't blog certain stories, ideas or revelations because there is so much room for misunderstanding.

For example, I can say, "I love chicken!" and some will respond, "Wow, me too!", others will look at it and think, "So she doesn't like beef?!" or "Why do we need to know that?!".


I find myself sitting at my laptop looking at written posts that I have decided to keep in "draft" form. Yet, my heart is to share everything, so that someone, out there, can relate or grow or learn or disagree or add. So here I am, showing my heart about showing my heart. So that, one day, I can post all those drafts without worrying about being misunderstood.

Outfits, Eggs and Expectations

I've chosen my outfit for tomorrow's voyage back to the freezing state of Pennsylvania. A tank top, one t-shirt, one heavy shirt, one pullover hoody and one zipper down sweater. Yes, I passionately dislike the cold. In fact, not many people like the cold. Another thing people don't enjoy is lowering their standards and changing their expectations.

Whooooa! I know I caught you off guard with that one. Let me back up a little.


Along with thinking about what to cloth myself with, today, I also thought about relationships and what we, as people, expect out of them.

Gosh, okay maybe you still don't see the connection. My deepest apologies for the inevitable confusion.

Really, from the start we have this idea, this image in our head about what we want, need, and desire in someone else. And then, we do this freakish "egg-hunt" for someone to be ALL that. Then there are times when we find an "egg" (even if we're not looking) and they meet almost all the criteria but are shy a few for the major, ermmmm, elements. So what do we do? Toss the egg? Keep it and change it? Find another one? Sadly, all I did was think today, not find answers.


I do know that tomorrow I will experience coldness against my cheeks and therefore I'm preparing for it with many layer of clothing.

Over Sentimental

Letting the kids know we are leaving

Tomorrow begins the one week count down to my move back to the good ol' United States. Packing, is a funny task. I still need to use the stuff that I should be packing, so really, packing will never be completely done until the day I leave. I have begun the task of sorting through my belongings into two categories; things to take right away and things I can wait a few months to see again. I look through my stuff and decide what items hold memories and what is just a little souvenir. The whole thing has its emotional moments. I've got that shoe box stuffed with all the little "Mesi" notes and pictures of flowers. That pink-construction-paper-heart that reads "I love you" in glitter glue. The rubber band that was intended to be a gift. Ah! I glare at my memories and (instead of crying my eyes out) I say to myself,
       "Gosh, girl, you are way too sentimental."
But, no, honestly, these girls and boys are so strong, independent, and have been taught the best. I know very well that they can and will make it without me waking them up every morning to go to school and, at meal times, telling them to go wash their hands. In fact, they might feel a little bit relieved after I head out! Plus they know, Estherline, Gladimy, Leonard and James know, without a shadow of a doubt, that they are loved. Thus the "mission" is complete, there is peace and it's time to go back to America.

Mannequins Make Great Models

It must be lovely to be a mannequin; to be perfect in every way and to never have to struggle with emotions.

Sometimes it's typical to think that missionaries have this "all together", "picture perfect", "I'm-working-for-God", "queue the angelic music" kind of life.

Contrary to popular belief, we experience;
doubt,
fear,
loneliness
and anger.

There are times, when we feel so alone, the lizard on the wall seems to be our only companion. We look at the little creature, and in all of our loneliness, we talk to it (don't worry, this doesn't happen a lot). We get pissed to the point where we yell at the coconuts hanging on the tree for not falling (or falling). We get tired of having to communicate in a language other than our own. We look at the fellow to which we are trying to explain something and start to blab in English (yeah, it's kind of awkward).

We have days when we ask ourselves why are we in a third world country - where showers are cold and bathrooms are scarce. Why are we in a country whose currency can be counted in two ways (gourdes and Haitian dollars) and the electricity is never consistent; in a place where everything takes two times longer and is usually done backwards. We ask ourselves these questions and sometimes feel a tad bit clueless and somewhat confused. These feelings and emotions aren't something that disappear as one mounts on a plane to enter the mission field, in search for the will of God. We have no halo, we carry no wings.

We are humans (in a foreign country), trying to conquer the mass of arrows and darts life throws at us. We are humans who have experienced the Grace of God on our lives. This Grace, so intense, so pure, so precious that we can't help but share it with others. And we seek to spread it. This is why we do what we do. Far from perfection and still learning to deal with our vast array of emotions we look to hold the orphan, shelter the parent-less and teach those who would otherwise never get an education.We give of the Grace that was so freely offered to us.

Oh! To be a perfect little mannequin would indeed be ideal, but then I would never have the ability to receive this wonderful Grace and participate in his perfect purpose.

It's Not That Bad; Being Alone.

At times when you see someone going through a circumstance the best way to show them that you care is to let them go through their situation alone. It’s when they are alone that change will have complete liberty to take place. 

They will be forced to recognize themselves for who they really are. 

Sometimes, if we aren't careful, our intention to make someone feel good about who they are can be like a sheet that blocks them from seeing their true self. If they can’t see their true nature they won’t see what needs to be changed.  

Similarly they can gain a perspective on who they desire to be.  

It is the human condition to want to help another but there are times when we put so much importance onto our own influence on someone that we forget to allow God to provide the purpose and stability that they so desperately need. 

(Adapted from a Journal entry I had written on April 26. 2011)

Confessions of An 18 Year Old

Since today is my 18th birthday, the day I official can say "I am an adult", I'd thought I'd publish a confession for my parents entertainment and all those who read my blog.

When I was about 9 years old, my father bought these modern eyeglasses. They were the kind that you could bend every which way and they would never break. He had them for about a month or so, when, one day, he asked me to wash them for him. This would be my first time handling these super, special, new glasses. My immature and innocent 9 year old mind couldn't fully grasp the fact that these glasses were, in no way, breakable. It was unbelievable! I thought it was phenomenal, innovative and almost scifi.

So, as the water was running out of the faucet I decided to BEND the glasses in odd directions that, if these glasses were normal, would cause them to fall apart.

I bent,

twisted

and folded.

You can imagine my surprise when I found out that these space age glasses really could break. As I glared in complete disappointment at the fallen piece in the sink I thought, "What am I going to tell Dad?!" I suddenly dropped the eyeglasses in the sink, breathed in a few times and took the pieces to my father.

"what happened?" he asked.

"I dunno..."

"what happened?" he asked again.

"I dropped them, in the sink."

He never bought the bendy glasses again because he thought they didn't live up to their name and I never informed him that it was me who broke his glasses and not the sink.

Maybe I should buy my Dad a pair of bendy glasses for Christmas this year!