Eat Music Notes For Breakfast and You'll Look Slimmer

I've realized that what I wanted, is not, what I wanted....

In early February I signed up for this computer program that would allow me access to unlimited music from tons of different genres for one flat price on a monthly basis. I thought it was such a great investment; so much music for one monthly price. How could I say no?! I have a huge passion for music. I should take advantage of having the world of song at my fingertips. (Yes, I am a sucker for those quirky little deals). Today, being the first of the month and the day the automatic credit card payment was to go though to the music company, I received an email saying my account has been renewed.  I realized something. I have spent enough money on music to buy a good amount of groceries. My priorities are a little off. Music is definitely my life's rhythm, but there are times when one has to ask themselves, "what's really important at this point?" And act on it. So I'm cancelling by subscription to this library of music. 

The reason for this blog entry isn't to tell the world about how I regret using my grocery money on music. There's something a little deeper. I'm talking about misplaced priorities. I made a swift decision that should be reconsidered. A lot of times we think that something is what we want only to find out that it really wasn't what we wanted for ourselves. It could be that unlimited music library that takes away from your food budget, or that chocolate cake after you've already ate an entire meal, or that person you know isn't the one God has for you but you go for it anyway, or that friend you associate yourself with who isn't the best influence, or allowing yourself to get into a conversation that isn't really appropriate. It's easy to loose sight of priorities. Thankfully there are things such as "unsubscribe" buttons that give us the chance to redeem ourselves. 

Hello Life, You Seem A Little Difficult

A picture I took while walking and thinking.

I've had a monstrous amount of things on my mind lately:

money, college, job, work, skills, school, grades, moving, car insurance, friends......
decisions, morals, values, drinking, smoking, art, voting.....
being an adult, driving, car, tuition, application, relationships, love, independence, boys, plans.....
God, destiny, callings, praying, volunteering, missions, laundry, responsibilities, style, modesty, standards....
fun, entertainment, Facebook, social life, church, and eating.....

Dealing with the combination of all these thoughts has become overwhelming at times (This is why I haven't blogged in a while). Sometimes I am so concerned about everything I start to tear up. I want to have control of everything; yet, at the same time, I don't want to have the responsibility of controlling anything. (These are truly the times I should reach for God.)

I see teens my age goofing off when it comes to school, watching television for hours at a time without a care in the world and doing whatever, whenever; carefree.  I should be proud to say I have a better perspective; a deeper revelation about life, but, in all honestly, I just feel old. There are days I feel OLD. When did all these concerns creep up on me?! Man, they are sneaky. And frustrating. And...(Let's give it to God).

My dad calls it "being mature".

Yet, when you see a group of kids sitting on the side of the road while you're on your way home from a night's work you don't really say, "Hm, they are just immature young people who haven't gotten a grip on responsibility yet." You think, "I must be getting older." proceeded by a bummed look on your face.

BUT, the concerns, struggles and all those things that have me feeling old now, will make me wiser! So for now, I need to keep saying, "Hello Life, you look difficult, but you will also make me wise."

Running Up Escalators

Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof. Matthew 6:34

When I was younger I remember running up the escalators at the JCPenny store and trying to reach the top before anyone else. Of course, I'd always win because no normal person would dart up a stairwell that automatically ascends to the higher level (except the very hyper Ceci). There I'd stand panting for breath with my hair displaced as a result of my sudden sprint with eyes wide (sweet victory). As the shopping trip carried on and everyone enjoyed themselves, I would be the first to get tired... my energies were prematurely exerted at the entrance. I'd turn cranky and ask myself why I felt like I had HAD to run up the metal moving stairs. Silly girl.

I've noticed this pattern in my life- trying too hard too early. I sometimes wear myself out when I should be relaxing; hassle over a situation when it really isn't something to stress over, or jump into meaningful relationship before its God's time. In the beginning the sense  of control, independent and responsibility seem to be there, but before long, I feel the way I'd feel at the end of a shopping trip. Tired and regretful. Honestly, I enjoy being first (in life, love, success and all things "grown-up") but I'm learning now that it's better to take a normal pace (let Life be an escalator) so that I'll still have it together at the end. 

Double Lives Means Double Meals

As teens we want to be able to make our own decisions (no matter how destructive), live our own lives (without limits), to choose words (no matter how profane). If we feel restricted or stifled by someone, we defy. Some of us rebel in a way that can be seen. We’re told to do one thing and we intentionally do it the opposite way. Others, are more subtle in their defiance. We form another life. Secret and unseen. Within it we are who we want to be, without another’s influence on us.

As I think about my past I ponder:

There’s a problem, though, with this second life. It has no rules, limits or boundaries. When living a life without the protection of wisdom and reason self destruction is inevitable. Yep, it may seem like freedom now, but in the long run the things I did: broke the trust, rose the guilt and took me far from God.

Before I knew it, I didn’t know who “Cecilia” was. Was she the “good girl” who listened to the latest Christian music releases? Or was she that girl who secretly did things that would keep her from sleeping at night? Nope. She was both. I was burdened with living two lives. Two very real lives but two very real lies.

Long story short, this is what I did:

But have renounced the hidden things of dishonesty, not walking in craftiness, nor handling the word of God deceitfully; but by manifestation of the truth commending ourselves to every man’s conscience in the sight of God. 2 Corinthians 4:2

I renounced it and thanked God for his redeeming power along with super supportive parents. My life isn’t perfect nowadays. I have my mistakes, my bad decisions, but I live one life now.  And if I pursue something that might introduce “another” life, I get back in check.  Because really, who wants to eat 6 meals a day...double meals?

Pizza With a Side of Faithful

I just started training at a local pizzeria. (Yes, can anyone say free pizza! I'm all smiles.) One of the things stressed while in training is faithfulness; coming in on time and making sure you do things the same and consistently. Faithfulness at a pizza place job?! Indeed, it's  very important. Who would have known! It's not just slapping dough and memorizing pizza toppings. If faithfulness is vital in making a 14" pizza pie then how much more important is it when it comes to the most precious relationship we have?!

Moreover, it is [essentially] required of stewards that a man should be found faithful [proving himself worthy of trust].

1 Corinthians 4: 2

Here's to applying pizzeria training to my relationship! 

Am I a Fungi?

This morning, when I was taking a walk I saw mushrooms growing out of a tree. I looked at them and tried to think of a deep, profound metaphor for the fungi-growing-out-of-the-foot-of-the-tree image before me. Nothing came up.

So that was this morning....

The entire day passed by. Then....

BANG! It hit me.

Am I a mushroom? Or am I a tree? 

Am I a fungi stuck on someone else preventing them from being all they can be; taking the life that they should have, keeping them from growing the way they were meant? Or am I a beautiful piece of greenery striving on it's own to be strong and to eventually provide fruit?