Steeples Made Me Angry

In January I returned from a 16 month mission's trip to Haiti. A lot of readjusting took place. The pace of my life sped up very quickly and I, just as quickly, found my way back to my "normal" routine; electricity all the time and rapidly prepared foods. There was one thing with which I didn't find easy to adjust. Church. I had grown to dislike church. This discontent and dislike was not because I was angry with God or questioned my faith. I was pretty sure of who I was in God. I felt like they (the American church) "had it all wrong". Church, was a social club, a place to feel good, somewhere we can righteously complain about each other and get offended because the sanctuary was too hot. I'd sit in service angry, mad and entertaining indifference. I remained disconnected and distant from most church folk. 

I shared my frustrations with a spiritual leader of mine. "I just wanna take them all to Haiti so they can see what true faith really is! I'm so tired of this materialistic Christianity! Its priorities are so twisted. The American church is so off in the wrong direction!"

"You need to have compassion Ceci." 

I was perplexed. I had just spent over a year of my teenage life feeding the hungry and loving the orphan, of course, I HAD compassion. I loved what I did and I loved those people! For a while I thought that compassion was a concept that could only be applied to third world missions. Compassion- the feeling that motivated me to get up at 5 am to bathe parent-less children and manage the staff/crew at an orphanage.

BUT, My definition of compassion was very one sided. Compassion is a unique feeling of love for someone who is in lack combined with the desire to help them. 

I needed to find compassion for the American church; a new compassion, the ability to look at my fellow church goers and pew warmers and just love. Love them for what they DO understand about faith and God. Love them by remaining dedicated and steadfast in hopes that it might birth revelation in them. 

So here I am, seven months later, on this journey to finding a new compassion, not for the poverty stricken third world country but for the church up the road. I love the American church and I'm excited for the move that will one day happen!

Growing Pains Shouldn't Be Published.

Sometimes it's better to be silent and observe, gather knowledge and grow. I've hit this point where I feel as though I have nothing profound and significant to share. It's not because there isn't anything going on in my life. There's a lot going on; I am on my way to college, moving to another state, packing, planning and preparing. It's just that I've noticed that there's a lot about life that I have yet to know. There's so much to discover about who I am, what I want and where I would like to be. I'm going through social awkwardness when finding where I belong and personal frustrations when I don't meet my expectations for myself. I'm no longer a little teenager lacking knowledge about the world but I'm far from the well informed adult that I should be. So what do I do? I take this time to be silent and learn.

I Deal With Things By Talking About The Ways We Deal With Things

(Blog entry started in March, finished today) 

People cope with things in different ways.

There are those who think the best thing to do is change everything all together. Dress differently, talk to different people, go to different places. 

There are those who withdraw themselves from everything they once found interesting. Avoid listening to the music they enjoy, stop recording that show that they faithfully watched.

There are the ones who go through this "It's not real." thing in their heads. 

There are those who revert back to the way it was before it happened. Revisit the idea of God, blogging, volunteering.

I'm not really sure how I deal with change. It depends the situation. But, I noticed that I've allowed my faith to become a fall back when I feel like things are out of my control. It's the rope lowered into the lake that I had so diligently filled to the point of drowning. It's so easy to do. Is it wrong? Not at all. The entire idea of faith is rooted out of salvation. It makes perfect sense. I just long to treat my  faith more like the garden hose that fills my lake of life rather than the rope that saves me from the lake I fill on my own. 

Then, maybe, the need to choose a coping process won't present itself.